Kitchen Obits: Marlin

On Tuesday, October 20th in the year of our Lord 2009, Marlin "Mikey" Microwave passed on to the Great Kitchen in the sky. Mikey's last week on this earth was a tough one. Plagued with early morning beeping jags and random read-out seizures, Mikey was forced to spend his last days unplugged on the counter. Mikey gave up his brave fight when he lost the ability to connect with the leftovers he knew and loved.

Mikey was adopted by Amanda Fierce-Hair in summer 2007. Amanda's first child, Mikey has since been joined by September the Cupcake Currier (2008), Cassius the Coffee Maker (2009), and Burgundy the Kitchen-Aid (2009). Mikey took his role of older brother very seriously and was known around the kitchen for coddling his younger siblings. Mikey never once complained about warming butter to ease September's mixing or reheating a cup of joe that Cassius wandered away from.

Though not a big traveler, Mikey saw a good deal of the East coast in his life. Born in Bangor, Maine, Mikey cut his teeth on Hot Pockets in Orono, Maine; sojourned briefly in Bad News, Virginia (where he narrowly escaped the lure of sex, drugs, and violence); and finally settled down in Smalltown, Georgia.

Mikey was never happier than when working with candy melts. Some of his credits include Valentine's Day truffles, Arnold Palmer Balls, and Mother's Day flowers. Mikey was aided in these efforts by his dear friend, and then roommate, Kitty the Kettle, daughter of Bethenstance of New Hampshire.

Mikey is survived by his mother, Amanda Fierce-Hair; brother, Cassius; sisters, September and Burgundy; and countless members of the Wilton family. Mikey is preceeded in death by Compaq "Paqi" Presario, the laptop; and good friend and confidant, Mauritius, the handheld mixer.

The family would like to thank Cyrus Holiday, the stove, and the entire Pot family (Big, Bigger, Skillet, and Pancake) for stepping up during Mikey's final days. Their compassion and warm gestures mean so much those who cared for Mikey at the end.

Marlin "Mikey" Microwave will be laid to rest at dusk, his favorite time of the day, in a private ceremony. In lieu of flowers, please send cards and well wishes to Mikey's dear friend, Della the laptop, whose health is rapidly declining.


"Everybody knows, the truth of letting go is that you never do."
- Girlyman, "Right Here"

Married Shmarried

Why do married people get all the perks?

I'm not talking about legal rights, hospital visitation, or tax breaks; I'm talking about the important stuff. The stuff.

Why is it that engaged couples get at least one bridal shower thrown for them at which they receive (according to their own admissions) more housewares than they ever thought they needed? Towels and oven mitts and kitchen utensils and bath mats and matching toilet toupees. Toasters and cookbooks and wine racks and scented candles that play songs. Hand knit doilies and monogrammed everythings. Why? And why are bridal showers one of the few places were is acceptable, even requested, for the recipient to demand certain gifts? And not just gifts, the colors of the gifts. The size of the gifts. The number of cranberry red hand towels with mulberry toned accents! Why?!

Is it something about the joining of two lives into one? Does it have to do with the fact that people don't start cooking until they say "I do"? Or maybe it's the movement from child to adult: you know, move out of your parents house and into your husbands', that sort of thing. Oh, you know what? The showers probably are just meant to praise the happy couple for their upcoming union and reinforce the fact that single people aren't yet fully developed and therefore, without any need for home (much less kitchen) supplies.

Well, I reject that.

All of it.

I'm not going to deny married and engaged people their fun, but I'm also not going to refuse myself the very same fun.

I want a party. Maybe I want several. One from my family (my mother has already graciously offered to host). One from my work friends since they won't know my family and will want to throw their own thing. One from my out-of-state friends that will be less of a party and more of a since-you're-here-you-might-as-well-open-this thing. And, of course, I'd like some things to arrive in the mail with the deepest regrets from those unable to attend the festivities.

I'm not registered yet, but I'll give you deep-pocketed bloggers a first look at some of the things you can expect to find on my list. And, if at any point you find my list odd, just know that I had a friend register for and receive a Playstation console on his bridal registry. Apparently nothing is off limits.

1. Martha Stewart's China

All patterns are made to look gorgeous mixed together. Go nuts.

2. Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer

On this I will have to be clear. I will accept no color other than this purple. I need one only.

3. Kitchen Aid Mixer Attachments

I'll need all of them eventually. Just look at them! Okay... maybe not the sausage stuffer. But... then again... yes, I'd like one of those too.

4. Gift Certificate for Wilton Cake Decorating Class

I've heard they're the best.

5. This Kitchen Timer

No, I don't know where you can buy it. That's your job.

6. MacBook Earth

I'm sure people who are smarter about computers (coffeefiend? Big E?) can tell me whether this request is a good one, but I want a Macbook. Whether or not that MacBook is green is negotiable, but I figure why not. And... the picture is cute. And... Al Gore's son did almost die in a pedestrian accident.


(Okay, I know the MacBook Earth is a joke. But it's still a cute one. And... if I got rid of the picture then I wouldn't have a good setup for the Gore bit.)

7. The L Word Season Six DVD

Come on... you know you want to complete the set.


Speaking of that L Word, I'm going to stop listing gifts I won't receive and watch episode 6 instead. I hope Jenny dies.

Oh no... am I the killer?!