Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Kitchen Obits: Marlin

On Tuesday, October 20th in the year of our Lord 2009, Marlin "Mikey" Microwave passed on to the Great Kitchen in the sky. Mikey's last week on this earth was a tough one. Plagued with early morning beeping jags and random read-out seizures, Mikey was forced to spend his last days unplugged on the counter. Mikey gave up his brave fight when he lost the ability to connect with the leftovers he knew and loved.

Mikey was adopted by Amanda Fierce-Hair in summer 2007. Amanda's first child, Mikey has since been joined by September the Cupcake Currier (2008), Cassius the Coffee Maker (2009), and Burgundy the Kitchen-Aid (2009). Mikey took his role of older brother very seriously and was known around the kitchen for coddling his younger siblings. Mikey never once complained about warming butter to ease September's mixing or reheating a cup of joe that Cassius wandered away from.

Though not a big traveler, Mikey saw a good deal of the East coast in his life. Born in Bangor, Maine, Mikey cut his teeth on Hot Pockets in Orono, Maine; sojourned briefly in Bad News, Virginia (where he narrowly escaped the lure of sex, drugs, and violence); and finally settled down in Smalltown, Georgia.

Mikey was never happier than when working with candy melts. Some of his credits include Valentine's Day truffles, Arnold Palmer Balls, and Mother's Day flowers. Mikey was aided in these efforts by his dear friend, and then roommate, Kitty the Kettle, daughter of Bethenstance of New Hampshire.

Mikey is survived by his mother, Amanda Fierce-Hair; brother, Cassius; sisters, September and Burgundy; and countless members of the Wilton family. Mikey is preceeded in death by Compaq "Paqi" Presario, the laptop; and good friend and confidant, Mauritius, the handheld mixer.

The family would like to thank Cyrus Holiday, the stove, and the entire Pot family (Big, Bigger, Skillet, and Pancake) for stepping up during Mikey's final days. Their compassion and warm gestures mean so much those who cared for Mikey at the end.

Marlin "Mikey" Microwave will be laid to rest at dusk, his favorite time of the day, in a private ceremony. In lieu of flowers, please send cards and well wishes to Mikey's dear friend, Della the laptop, whose health is rapidly declining.

"Everybody knows, the truth of letting go is that you never do."
- Girlyman, "Right Here"


Ash said...

bahh haha!! This is the funniest thing ever!!

I believe that all kitchen appliances need names! Even the ones that barely see the light of day!

RIP Mikey.

How To Eat A Cupcake said...

So..... this is yet another reason why I love you!! Hahaha hilarious!! :D

Amber said...

you might have a future in obituary writing. and i would know; i was once a professional obit editor! Very classy.

Kate said...

I've never laughed so hard while wanting to cry all at once.

As far as your poll goes, I would wait until you can afford to purchase a microwave and microwave cart for it to set on so you can retain that precious counter space. Just a thought.

Evan said...

The Girlyman quote makes this post. Well done.

Anita said...

That was...beautiful in a sad yet comical and also very entertaining way! I laughed right out loud! Gosh I love you and your humor:)

Me! said...

RIP Mikey.

But.... now that means you can look for a new one! I am always pining after kitchen appliances. Currently it's the Cuisinart Elite 14 cup food processor.

pita said...

i'm sure poor mikey will be missed. I think I will have to start naming my appliances.

Grace said...


Anonymous said...

RIP Mikey.

Chupsie said...

ahahaha! that was great! I love it! So much though went into that... rip mickey.. we love you!